Can’t Hardly Wait: How Movies and Television Radicalized Young Men

I was in a class of 17 High Schoolers my graduating year. Of the men in class, we only knew of one who had lost their virginity, at least fully.

Sexual anxiety and anxiety surrounding young men losing their virginity, often, and importantly, for reasons left unspecified, before college was a staple of cinema starting in the 1970s. Animal House and the antics depicted in the film revolved around getting their hapless schmucks laid, especially the ones that were not the handsome Otter, or long term boyfriends like Boone. The more harmless version of this usually involved instilling the boy with confidence or a personality, all the way up to more problematic versions where they would break the law, use trickery, or good ole’ fashioned rape to get what they want.

Many of these films are now considered gross for their problematic nature. The promotion of toxic masculinity. The promotion of rape culture. The promotion of hazing and Frat culture. But often less talked about is how they set expectations.

This aspect is more subtle. Even if you do less problematic versions of this. For example, in adult sitcoms usually adults communicate with each other directly. The narrative of needing some subterfuge to get laid, even if you are a slub, is gone. Yet even there we see, sometimes, the main characters having a new sexual partner every week. Especially on shows like Entourage and Californication where the idea that the protagonist has had lots of sex is a core tenant of the plot itself.

However this is not realistic, at all.

First of all, I have worked on films and television shows. While I am not an overly successful actor, I know many, and let me assure you, they are not pulling tail like you think they are. Not the vast majority of them. Certainly not far beyond their level of attractiveness either. People really like to attune themselves to what they consider exceptions — I know this fat guy and this hot woman…I think this guy looks funny (the person will be straight and doesn’t focus on men’s looks) and his girlfriend/wife does not — etc. That can happen, but most of the time actors, even very famous ones, end up with other actors/artists who are generally as attractive as they are. I saw this as a bartender as well. Couples are mostly the same looks wise.

Beyond that even, we now hear of the vain attempts by Elon Musk to buy sex with horses — guess billionaires get turned down just like regular people.

Most men also lie generously about their number in the real world. TV shows and movies are a heightened reality beyond that. One hard reality is STDs. This is a much bigger reality for people who have lots of anonymous sex. We also track them to determine their spread and know the average lifetime, lifetime sex partners for an individual is 6–8.

The reason I am pointing all this out is to say the way we depict sex in film, particular in the United States, and the way we tie the idea of manhood and masculinity to one’s virginity is ridiculous.

Hugh Hefner was a virgin until 25.

So much of the Andrew Tate’s of the world tie the core to this concept. Getting a girl is important, and you better not get to adulthood without fucking a lot of women, especially if you aren’t married. This extends to even jobs where it would make no sense for this to be the case. James Bond? You know how spies live on assignment, right?

Most of the jobs I know that get people laid more have no correlation with income. I know some pharmacists and accountants who do alright because they make solid money and work standard hours. It’s also not manual labor, so it is not tiring. I know bartenders who do alright. I know door guys/bouncers who do alright. A few personal trainers, especially ones that travel to people’s homes. This, however, is overblown too. There are only so many hours in the day.

So not only do the Tate’s and the Bilzerian’s sell an unrealistic life, they don’t even live it themselves. Many of those women you see around them are strippers and prostitutes paid to be there. Many of those “rich guys with boats” are just pissing money away on that stuff for no return.

The idea that sex is the end all be all is the problem.

At the tail end of the sex comedy boom we had 40 Year Old Virgin, I think in years prior 30 or 20 year old would have been an appropriate title, but because society had progressed beyond using “virgin” as an insult to high schoolers, the protagonist was aged up. Is it weird to be a virgin at 40? To many people that will sound weird, however some 4 million men and rising fall into this category. Many of them lashed out at the film when it premiered. I think you have to ask yourself if they had a point, however. Isaac Newton was a virgin. So was Nikolai Tesla. As was Joan of Arc. Same for Lewis Carroll and Andy Warhol. If so, attaching a concept of brokeness to virginity is fraught. It is something the movie 40 Year Old Virgin actually struggles to defend in a scene where Paul Rudd’s character is asked directly why losing his virginity is important, and despite the earnestness of the messenger, has very little to say. That is played off as a joke, almost.

Sex is not the end all be all. There are several times I have been laid where I don’t know what I did. It just happened. Absent the butterfly effect, would those moments have still happened as apropos of nothing? Maybe. The point is by teaching men to focus on getting laid, above all else, is a huge problem. Yes, sex is what we do to procreate, but that’s like making a story where breathing is the prize at the end. Kind of silly.

A lot of programming has already shifted away from these kinds of stories, but the problem still persists. There is nothing wrong with depicting sex in films, it is more important how it is depicted and what role it plays in the plot. Sex is great and wonderful but it is not a prize to be won, and it will not fix any of a man’s problems either internally and externally. Reinforcing this message to men — that being a virgin is wrong and bad, and that sex with a woman is a prize and will fix something — has made them vulnerable to the likes of Andrew Tate and even Tucker Carlson.

A “masculine man” is something many people experience and live through, but it is always for a fleeting time. That insecurity is a repackaged youth obsession. The same insecurity peddled to women to sell face cream and botox. This insecurity was created by those movies. Stigmatizing virginity in men is a huge problem, and needs to be a focal point of more discussions going forward.